I failed.

So, failure is supposed to be an okay thing, right? Well, I failed.

And it's taken me months to actually sit down and type this blog post that I've been ruminating on since November of 2015.

I'm embarrassed. I failed.

And in my childhood AND my adult life, I don't typically do activities or engage in subjects in which I'll fail.

Again, embarrassment.  Horror.  Oh, the horror!

But...

In the last two years, I've tried to immerse myself in things in which I'm not going to be the best.  I have tried to remind myself that the process of learning is about the PROCESS not the DESTINATION.  I've been trying to practice throwing myself into learning whether I am going to rock it or not.

And so I took up woodworking.  I was NOT good, but I learned. (I wrote lots of posts about this experience at the Soulcraft Woodshop previously.)  This has permeated into the rest of my life as I am less afraid to take apart machines at our house, more willing to use tools and fix things, and even more willing to talk to the people at Home Depot and Lowe's when I need something.

Another thing I decided to do was exercise more.  In the past, this was a major priority in my life, but in the last five years, I gave up.

So, off I went to a spinning class.

Not JUST a spinning class, but a spinning class IN THE DARK.

At the first class, my only goal was "do not throw up."

At my second class, I expanded my goals to include "do not throw up" and "do not stop pedaling."

Over a year and 30 pounds have gone by, and now I am able to get through an entire class following all of the directions.  Sure, I can't typically walk very well the next day, but I can do it.  I learned.

With these two experiences, I started slowly.  I muddled through the skills.  But, I made it out on the other side.

With this other thing... I failed...

Look, I'm even stalling here by NOT getting to the point, right?

Okay, here's the story.

I started a Makers' Club at my school which has been (dare I say) WILDLY successful.  And I wanted to tell other people about it.  So, I applied to present about it in several places.  Sure, some places turned me down, but I don't consider that a failure. I just wasn't what they were looking for.

But then, I applied to give an "IDEA Talk" at the WVIZ Ideastream Technology and Learning Conference.  Educators from all over North East Ohio often flock to this conference and network with each other and I had yet to attend.

But, in previous years, I had given several of my male teacher friends a hard time about this conference.  Where are the women presenters?  What's the deal with the all male panel discussions?  Why aren't the ladies ever included in these events?

After saying all that, I HAD to apply, right?

So, I did.  And I was accepted.  Three people were chosen to give these "IDEA Talks" at the conference and they would be posted online afterwards.

I waited a ridiculously lengthy amount of time to write down what I was planning to say, even though I had been chewing on it for quite some time.  I knew I wanted to talk about the Makers' Club and I wanted to discuss how to include and attract both girls and those with disabilities.  I wanted to integrate my passion for working with those with special needs with the technology and "making" that we were experiencing every week in our Makers' Club.  I wanted to convey the passion I felt about integrating and including ALL kids while still being relevant to my topic.

And I failed.

Well wait.  First, I wrote a great blog post.  I call it a "blog post" and NOT a speech because, as it turns out, it was a WAY better piece of writing than a speech.

Maybe I didn't understand the time constraints.

Maybe I thought they would let me keep talking until I was done.

Maybe I didn't understand that I was modeling this after the "TED Talks" that I love and admire so much.

Maybe I'm just NOT a great speaker.

Anyways, once it was over, I was reflecting.  I didn't get to finish because I was getting the "wrap it up" signal for at least 5 minutes and I still had at least 6 more minutes worth of things to say.

I also felt like I was trying to have a discussion with people who were there to hear a lecture.

Did I convey my passion?  I had no idea.

Did I inspire ANYone?  I had no idea.

But then, when colleagues from my own school did not stop to talk to me after the conference was over, I thought, "I must've really stunk. Really, really stunk."

I reflected on it more and decided that I am just a better writer than a speaker.

I'm sure no one would be surprised by this.

But here's how I really knew I failed.

I had been waiting for the "talks" to be posted online on the WVIZ Ideastream page.  I checked it often.

Then, as I saw the other talks were posted, I scrolled down the page.

"Where's mine?" I thought to myself.

And then I remembered.

Before the "talks" started, I had said to the person in charge, "If mine is really bad, can you NOT post it online?"

And mine was not (and is not) posted online.

I failed.

I've been embarrassed about it since November....

But here's the good news.

Since then, I've given the same presentation again, ONLY it was a one HOUR time slot AND it was a discussion, a conversation, NOT a lecture.  (It was better.)

Then I gave it again, in a 90 minute window.  And embedded some of the "makers" activities.  (And it was even better.)

And so I failed.

But I also learned.

And I'm done being embarrassed.

So now, go to the WVIZ Ideastream page.  And see how my talk is not posted.  And don't wonder about it.  Know that I failed.

And then, know that I learned.

Week 75- What IS this thing?

A six week Saturday morning class.  Is that what I agreed to?

It's now week... I don't know what number... and I am still going back.

Soulcraft Woodshop.

How has this journey changed me?

Well, it's hard to say.

In September of 2014, I was working a job at school that I didn't want.  I was told I needed "a break" and basically put into time out.  I was searching for life outside of my career.  I was going home at a normal hour each day and truly only working the 8 hour day.  That was brand new to me after 11 years of working 11-12 hour days.  I was unhappy.  I missed my team.  I missed my students.  I was getting to know new students, but it wasn't enough.  I was searching for something.

Fast forward to March 2015.  I am begging for spring break to get here.  I am still not totally happy in my job, mostly because it just doesn't feel like enough.  I could do more.  I give a lot of assessments.  I follow intervention scripts.  But, I do feel like I am making a difference.  The kids are growing and changing and that's success.  It feels good.  But I am not defined by my career anymore.  I am not defined by my school district.

Being part of Soulcraft has given me some courage.  It's given me even more voice than I had before.  It's helped me hone some of those communication skills that were still less than "diplomatic."  I've met great people, formed some incredible relationships, grown professionally and personally.  I found the thing I was searching for, though I'm still not really sure what that is.

Conversations with Pete, Jim, and Sean are sometimes above me.  I shake my head and hear their words and most days I go back to my car and Google something they were talking about.  I don't always understand their political references or even their references to literature that I have not yet read yet.  The cool thing is, if they know that I am clueless (sometimes), they don't show it.  OR, if I'm particularly brave that day, I ask or say "I don't know what that means."  And they explain it to me.  Hopefully without judgement.  Or it seems like without judgement...

Conversations with Julie and Karen... Ahhhhh... I wish we could all work in the same building.  Strong women.  Empowered women who know who they are and what they stand for.  They don't let others get in the way, and if they do, they reflect and go back.  They put kids first.  They vent. And then they move forward.  WE move forward.  They help me to move forward.

And there's Tom.  Tom and I see eye to eye. And it's just comfortable to be there with Tom.  With all the men who don't appear to be judging my skills as a woodworker or furniture designer or artist at all.  They are there learning too.  "Who knows how to use this machine thingy over here?"  Yeah, I might, and I can show you.

One realization that I have almost weekly is that I don't like to do stuff that I am not good at.  And for my first few projects, I was great.  Realizing now that Pete and Jim had a LOT to do with that skill, I am a little humbled at the fact that in the past three weeks, I have screwed up at least 100 times.  I really messed up those dados.  And I typically would trash them, never speak of them again, start over, and excel at it the next time.  But WOW, I REALLY screwed up those dados.  And I can talk about it. And even laugh.

I'm not good at the measuring.  I'm not good when something needs to be perfectly measured or perfectly symmetrical.  I stand in awe when Jim says something like "well, it's just about 7/16ths."  Again, I was great at math, but in regards to the tape measure, I have no idea what this means.  I smile and nod.  And I don't think he judges the fact that I have no idea what this means.  He probably does realize it though. I'm not so good at the hiding of facial expressions.

So, I've had some time now to really get to know what I'm good at and what I'm not.  And for some reason, I keep coming back to this thing that I am not particularly great at.  I wonder why.

I told someone yesterday, "I'm not sure if I actually like making things out of wood, or if I just like the people here enough to keep coming back, or both."

Courage to be honest.

So this adventure has also given me courage in my own school building.  Last year, I couldn't say or do the right thing to save my life.  This year, I decided that I needed to still stay true to myself and maybe it would work out.  It has.  I had the courage to ask if I could start a Makers' Club.

Makers' Club has taken off like I never knew it would.  As I felt like my job as a reading interventionist was lacking creativity, and I knew that what I was doing on Saturday mornings was meaningful, I wanted to incorporate the two.  On Thursdays, second graders (any who want to on any week) come to my room and make stuff.  Usually I give them a challenge.  Sometimes I give them prizes for fulfilling the challenge.  Second graders are really working on how to share, how to ask for someone to share, how to put their ideas together.  On Fridays, third graders come.  They get a slightly more detailed challenge, and typically blow my mind with what they create.  They are better at sharing, better at working together, and need little assistance in their "design thinking."

After 4 weeks of Makers' Club and close to 75 kids a week going through our room, I've only seen 3 kids cry.  Two cried because their project did not work and they did not have time, before going back to their homeroom class, to fix it.  One cried because no one would share.  I've gotten to use my powers of conversation and behavior skills (ha!) to talk through situations with these 7 and 8 year olds and somehow all three came back the next week.

The principal and other teachers are on board with the Makers' Club AND the PSO even sends volunteers and gave me a budget.

So, how has Soulcraft changed me?

It's given me more courage.

It's broken down on typical gender biases (or barriers) for me.

It's given me a group of friends that I can't wait to see on Saturday mornings.

It's helped my communication skills.

It's opened my eyes to learning again.  To starting over.  To failing.  To doing stuff you aren't good at.

It's.... well.... stay tuned. Because I am sure there will be more.

P.S. I am purposely not proofreading this and just pressing publish.  I want this to be honest and open and not rethink everything I just typed.  Please forgive any typos.  Yikes... Here goes... 

Top Success of 2014!

Almost the last day of 2014, trying to spend a little time reflecting. 

As they would say on the RHOBH, I'm "in a good space right now" and want to focus on the positive.

Thus, my #1 most successful moment of the school year:

It has to do with a student very near and dear to my heart (as if all my stories couldn't say that)...

This student was in my class for three years and at his IEP meeting last May, it was up to his IEP team to determine if he was to take the Alternate Assessment (AASWD) or the Ohio Achievement Assessment (OAA) as a third grade student. Based on the scores from his IQ testing, he could've taken the AASWD, however, as we often know, IQ tests are not always so accurate for those with autism spectrum disorders.

The team used the flow chart from the state and determined that he should take the OAA. I was pleased with this because I believed he could. He was not two grade levels below, he was not working on an alternate curriculum... His parents agreed.

Towards the end of the meeting, we returned to the testing page and had another conversation about the tests. It was up to me to again convince the team that he could do the OAA with the allowable accommodations. I was sure he could do it. We signed off and that was that. 

Fast forward to his third grade year. I am no longer his case manager nor do I work with him at school. I do work with him privately and worked on simulating the testing conditions to complete practice tests so this was not a new experience for him. We practiced one passage and the questions 2 or 3 times each week from August through October...

...The test was coming up in two days and his teacher had an unforeseen absence the entire week of the test. Who is going to administer his OAA? I was feeling panicked. 

The day before, his teacher and I spoke on the phone and determined that I would administer his assessment. Uh oh. How will this go? What if it's too hard? Why did we do this? 

The day of the test, as I was driving into school, I had another moment of panic. What if this goes all wrong? What if this is just torture for him for three hours? What if I was wrong?

I set up our testing room with snacks I knew he would like, a visual timer, some reinforcers (M&Ms that we often use at home), pencils, erasers, water, and a white board so that I could make him a visual schedule (1. Read story. 2. Answer questions. 3. Take a break.)  I had already taught him to read the questions for each story before reading the passage. I knew he was ready. He could do this! "We got this," I thought to myself.

As the busses started rolling in that morning, I got nervous once again. Why is he taking this test? What will it tell us about him? What if I was wrong?

Too late now.

I got his testing booklet and picked him up after the morning announcements. We read a social story about doing your best and continuing to work until the test was done. We read the visual schedule to show that he would do one passage and the questions then take a break. Then he was ready.

As he opened the booklet and saw the story, he said "read the questions to me first," just like we had practiced. I read the questions and answer choices aloud to him and then he proceeded to read the passage.

Throughout the next hour and a half, he was rewarded with M&Ms, break time, theraputty, and a short walk to the water fountain. He read every passage out loud without assistance. He answered every question in the booklet with prompts only to "color the circle darker." 

As he colored in the last circle in the booklet, I could feel my tears... 

We closed the book, I shouted, "You did it! You really did it." I gave him a small round of applause as he said "no please" and pushed my hands down. 

I took him back to his resource room and walked his test booklet back to his home room. I was crying. He did it. He really did it.

And it was better than my Super Bowl. He did it.

And I didn't know what score he would earn. The written expression questions were tough. Answering questions with whole sentences was tough. 

His score didn't matter. His score does NOT matter.

I could have never seen his score and it would've still been one of the proudest moments of my 12 year career.

He did it.

He proved he could do it.

No "meltdowns," no "behaviors."

He did it.

I could not have been more proud.

He did it.

Success!!! Top 2 of the year...

Because lots of people are probably making lists or countdowns this week, I've been attempting to reflect on my ten most successful moments in the year 2014...

Truthfully, I try not to think of the school year before July and so I've settled on my two (yes two) most successful classroom moments of 2014.

Here's the big reveal:

The #2 most awesome classroom moment of 2014.... Wait for it...

This year I teach reading intervention. I do interventions with students in grades k-3 who have shown consistent difficulty on reading assessments like the DIBELS, the DRA, the STAR Enterprise, and the Wonders Reading Assessments... I give at least one "test" every other week to check on our progress. Luckily, some of the assessments only take about three minutes but the STAR Reading test is 34 long questions. I give this only once a month and we get ready for this assessment by talking about our past scores (the color band the score falls in, not the actual number) and trying to figure out how to get a better score. (By the way, YES, I HATE that this story revolves around a test. But it gets better.)

I discovered at the beginning of the school year that the majority of my students were getting terribly low scores, not because they couldn't read the test, but because they were choosing not to read the test questions. They didn't believe they could do it, so... Why try? THIS HAD TO CHANGE!

So.. I use the behavior plan that we have set up in class and give out "tokens" throughout the test when I see that the students are ACTUALLY READING THE QUESTIONS! They also get tokens for correct answers when I catch them while I am monitoring all 4 students. (Students later use the tokens to buy extra time on the iPads, computers, and prizes from the prize box.) 

(You're welcome for the background.)

Now, onto the success!

I have a seven year old second grader who told me at the beginning of the year, "I'm lazy, that's why I can't read." At the time, I made a mental note to address this and moved on. Throughout the year, I have not allowed her to use this excuse throughout her thirty minute sessions with me, but she liked to employ this belief on the.... Surprise, surprise... STAR Reading test.

By November, we  mostly had this thing down. You move up a color band, you get tokens, candy, and some major praise. She still didn't care much and moved up only 3-5 points each month. By November, she'd had enough. She whizzed through the test and answered all 34 questions in less than 15 minutes while I was attending to another student. "No way," I said. "You didn't read it. You are so smart and you aren't even trying. You have to show people you're smart. You are taking this again during recess tomorrow." (Now, I do NOT believe in taking recess away from kids, and so I found a time with her home room teacher to take the test the next day that did not include recess.) 

The next day, she showed up. "I'm going to sit next to you and listen to you read the whole test," I said.

She began. First question timed out while she read it. Second question timed out while she read it. Third question, she just looked at me. "Try this," I said. "Remember when I said READ THE QUESTION FIRST? Let's try it." She read the question out loud. Then she started reading the paragraph and the answer was in the first sentence. She looked at me and smiled and I could actually see the light bulb go on. Got the answer. Next question, "Read the question first." She did it again. Got it. By the sixth question, she was starting to feel successful. By the eighth question, I didn't need to prompt her to read the question first. By the 34th question after over 40 minutes, she had done it. She finished the questions, read every last one, and she had really tried. 

Success!!!

But the story doesn't end there. 

We decided to look up the score (with my fingers and toes crossed that I would be able to show her what happens when you try).

And then I almost fell out of my chair. She went from the second lowest score in second grade, in the red (red, yellow, blue and green are the color bands that show the national percentiles) to the top of the BLUE!!! 

My co-teacher and I started yelling and jumping up and down and said "Look! Look what happens you try! You tried, you tried! We're so happy you tried!" 

"Doesn't it feel good? Doesn't it feel good that you tried?"

I printed out her score in a graph so that she could see how high her score went when she just tried. We highlighted it and passed it around and went to the office to show the ladies there. I said "Tell them what you did." ( I thought she would say something about improving her test score. ) 

She said...

"I tried!"

Her smile was so big. And she was so proud.

There it is! Success!

She has not missed one "optional" homework assignment since that day. 

Her score skyrocketed into the GREEN in December.

SUCCESS!

It wasn't about the test. It wasn't about the color band or the national percentile score.

SHE TRIED! 

She really tried.

And she's still trying.

And I'm praying that she keeps it up when we get back after break. 

She tried!

She tried!

Whoooo hooooo!

I'm done!!!

I've been holding off on this post for almost a week because... well, because I don't actually want to be done.  I don't want our journey to be over and I don't want to be done with the shelves.  But I wanted to hang the shelves, and since this class has now extended from 6 weeks to 10 weeks (with continuous weeks coming up), I guess it was time to pull the plug on the fireplace shelves.

Here are some photos, in all their glory, followed by just a few of the things I've learned... 

I'm sure I'll add more posts reveling in the things I've learned and reflecting on the time I've had in this "class" or "cohort" at the Soulcraft Woodshop....but...

First, I've made some great friends.  I hope their friendships will extend longer than just through this experience.  If they don't, I have learned a great deal from each of these people and I will FOREVER be grateful for a group of people that came into my life at a time when I really needed to learn and grow, but also be true to myself.

Second, communication is awesome.  Some of our best (or my favorite) conversations came after the "class" while exploring truths and beliefs.

Next, I was reinforced in my belief in being genuine. And I appreciate the people in this experience because each of them is genuine. Genuine people 24/7. How often do you find an entire group of people like this?

I've also been reminded of the need to learn something new and be open enough to make mistakes.  I love that I can use this lesson to help students.  "Oh. My student is looking at me like I am speaking a different language."  "Oh yeah, that was how I felt on the second day when Peter told us about all the "machines" in the shop."

Reflection is necessary.  For me, I need to constantly be reflecting.  How did this experience go? What did I learn? What would I do differently? What can I do next time?  And writing these thoughts down helps me to reflect. Good reminder.

Next, learning styles vary.  It has never been more clear to me than through this experience.  The experts can help the beginners and those who have experience can provide insight along the way.  Some people could help with the math while the others look at the aesthetics. Every single one of us had a different strength.

"Create more than you consume."  I first heard this from Sean and have thought of this every week. The need to create is real. 

I believe I could go on and on AND ON about the many skills and lessons I've learned along this journey...

I plan to keep writing about them as we all continue to go to the shop... even though our class is over.

See you Saturday, my friends, at the #soulco.

Coming soon: videos of the experience.

Chopping Up Stereotypes

I've been mulling over this one since last Saturday because I'm not sure how to even approach the topics I want to communicate. The woodshop, for me, this week, was more about communicating and relationships. I guess that's not that much different than usual, but I found those things in a different way this time...

But how do I write about these things without offending someone? How do I make sure this is appropriate for my audience? How do I manage this "bull in a china shop" topic? Let's just do it. I'll try to be nimble.

I've been thinking about stereotypes. Perceptions. Breaking stereotypes. Changing perceptions.

So, I'm doing this wood shop thing. I'm hanging out with dudes who build stuff. I'm a 33 year old single girl. I love sports and can talk about the Browns and Cavs and hold my own.  I'm now building stuff out of wood. I asked for an electric sander for Christmas. What's the common stereotype here? I know you're thinking it. Or maybe you're not but I had to be sure I made it clear. "So, I like guys." I'm not sure if the woodshop guys were surprised or not. Why did I even feel like I needed to tell them that? 

Next, I'm white and have always lived in the suburbs. I went to a private grade school and now work in the district where I lived and attended high school. I never left the 'burbs. My parents paid for my undergrad degree. I wear a NorthFace fleece and own a Coach purse. What's your perception now? If you don't know my whole story or my parents' whole story, you might assume you know me now. You know this stereotype.

How about when I spend my money to go to the Cavs home opener? Browns season ticket holder? Special education teacher? Elementary school teacher? Any common stereotypes here? How about the guy spitting chew into a bottle that sat near me on the bus yesterday? 

Now the stereotypes that I often think of when I see other people who...

...wear stilleto heels to a sporting event?

...have dirt under their finger nails?

...don't read with their kids?

...smoke?

...don't show up for parent-teacher conferences?

...don't speak English?

...use poor grammar?

...are stay at home moms or dads?

...ride the bus?

...pay someone to do their yard work?

...have cats? 

...don't give 200% at work?

...don't read for fun?

...don't go to college?

...use android devices?

The theme of stereotypes continued through my extended conversations last week at Soulcraft when we ventured into the topic of the use of the "r word." I choose not to use that word because I believe that there's a negative connotation and it's hurtful to both people with special needs and their families. I often believe people who use that word are ignorant, thoughtless, careless, unkind...

The conversation was extensive and Peter and Jim helped me to realize that it's not about the word, it's about the stereotypes and perceptions behind the word; that it appears to me that using the "r word" is synonymous with the de-valuation of life if your IQ is lower than 72 or if you are not considered "neuro -typical." There's the perception that, if you are "retarded," in the DSM IV definition of the word, your life is somehow less meaningful than mine. 

Jim was surprised to know that 80% of babies conceived with Down syndrome are aborted. How about the woman who killed her child with autism and the people who justify it?

And who owns the "r word" anyways. People with an IQ below 72? Their family members? Their teachers and aides and tutors? Can anyone actually own a word? 

Do the words matter?

If the words don't matter, what's the first step in changing the perception? 

Week 5 of This Adventure

Well... This is supposed to be a six week adventure/ experience in wood working and education, but let's be honest. We are not even close to being done, right Pete?

I could write for days on what I gained this week at Soulcraft. I'm spending time with interesting, brave, cool people and hearing their stories while telling mine... We're all on a journey, aren't we? And I should be learning about others' journeys too, shouldn't I?

But, the really cool thing I think I'm gaining here is confidence to try new things. 

After all, the more stuff you try, the more stuff you can do, right? (Not so profound or Emerson- like, but still, true.)

Today, I found myself stuck in my driveway. Alone. And about to be late for work with a car that wouldn't start... Again.

I've watched this three times before today, I can do this. 

So I did. I jumped my own car today. 

I jumped my own car without any help?

I did! I jumped my own car. I did it! I did it myself!

And without this class/experience/cohort/thing, I'm not sure I would've ever even tried.

I could hear my dad doing a cheer up in heaven (likely because I didn't set my car or myself on fire). 

Soulcraft Week 4

I'm not even close to being done, mostly because I don't want this experience to end. I'm hoping everyone wants to continue making a weekly trip to Soulcraft even if it's just to high five between machines and drink way too much coffee.

I was struck this week by so many profound conversations, I hope I can capture it all... 

First, I had a great conversation with Karen about immigrants who are brand new to the district AND to the country. I have several students this year who've just come to the United States weeks ago. I want to know how to teach them but I don't yet. I'm not sure they need to score higher on First Sound Fluency, but rather to follow the rules of this game we call school. When to sit on the carpet, when to line up, when to speak and when to be quiet... Lakewood appears to have a much larger population of immigrants, of course, but the words that struck me from Karen were "language acquisition." I know plenty about language acquisition for students who have autism or Down syndrome. I know what the next steps are with a child who can't speak or doesn't speak at all. But, I have no idea what to do for these kids who have language, just not the English language.

This one 5 minute conversation about language acquisition led to my search over the weekend for ESL podcasts and research. I'm hoping I'm now on my way to helping our new friends...

Next, as we were planning to meet up before the Browns game, I was surprised at the comraderie we've already formed. These are the easiest friendships I've ever forged, maybe because we are having a shared experience, or maybe because it's just great to be around like- minded people like Tom and the friend he brought along. Each of these professionals truly know who they are and continues to evolve as that person day in and day out. 

Jim's kids joined us for a bit to talk about school, homework, Minecraft, technology, group projects, teachers, and more. I was moved by the depth of their responses and their honesty. They don't know us, they didn't need to impress, they were simply genuine and true. Kids are amazing, I realized again. 

I stayed after a bit and engaged in even more amazing conversation with Sean, Jim, and Pete. I lost all track of time until I realized that I was expected in Toledo in a little under 15 minutes from that time... As I ran out of Soulcraft and jumped in my car, I was struck by two words Peter shared when supporting Sean, and all educators who feel discouraged. Viscerally involved. 

Viscerally involved.

"At least you are... viscerally involved," he said with a hand outstretched to prove his point. 

I can only hope to be so viscerally involved in every one of my life experiences. 

The Dichotomy Between my Fixed and Growth Mindsets

 Saturday was a busy day.  I went to my woodshop "class" and then met with my supervisor as a BCBA candidate. It strikes me that these are two very different worlds. And somehow I am immersed in both. But one familiar note strikes me- I need other people to help me with both.

At Soulcraft, we're pushing each other outside of our boundaries. This week, I learned how to use the jointer ("with a T"), the planer, and the table saw to mill the wood AND I actually used them! Five different people helped me to mill the wood for the sides of my shoe rack and none of this would've gotten done without each of them. Karen and Julie helped me with the math. Peter and Jim helped me use the machines for the first time (and not be afraid), and Sean and Julie helped me with the planer. I couldn't have done any of it without them. 

At 12:15 as I was speeding to meet my BFF (and supportive BCBA candidate in crime) and my supervisor at Starbucks, I thought, "I sure needed a lot of help today. This makes me uncomfortable, I'm used to being the "helper," not the "helpee!" I promised myself that next week, I would help someone else instead of only work on my own project.

And then in our conversations at the coffee shop, I certainly needed my people. Group contingencies and the pros and cons of them do not just discuss themselves...

So, it strikes me that I needed people. I need people! I need people? I guess I do need people.

You see, I pride myself on being really self-sufficient. Typically I do not ask for help and try to get lots of things done efficiently and effectively on my own. I like being the helper and the expert. I like knowing what I'm doing and doing what I know. I even shy away from asking people for help in stores because I should be able to figure things out on my own. But then I get stuck. "I am independent female, hear me roar!" I don't need your help... Until I do.

I need to get rid of my fixed mindset that leads to thinking that needing help is showing weakness. Isn't it actually being human? And isn't that actually okay???

It has to be. I needed help. Now I'm better for accepting it. 

Growing Into My Growth Mindset

Oh no!  I almost cried again.  But I didn't!  I will NOT cry in this wood shop.

This week, we spent the first hour talking.  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, someone asked me this week why I wasn't teaching special ed. this year.  I gave a short version of the story. I will NOT cry in this wood shop. For the first time telling this story, I didn't cry. I DID NOT CRY IN THIS WOOD SHOP!

And then we moved on to learning about the machines in the wood shop. THANK GOD.

Whoa.

Wait Peter!  PETER!

WAAAAIT.

I got the jointer. Joiner?  Jointer?

I got the planer.  Planer? Planar?

Hmmm... I think I got the table saw. Maybe.

And then it was over. My head was done.  Peter had 6 more machines, but my brain was done.

Wait, is this how people feel when I try to teach them how to make a website?  

Is this how my students feel when I ask them to write a sentence? 

Well, it's a good thing Peter said we won't be having a test on these, although won't USING them be the ultimate test?

Oh well. The machines are long gone in my brain because then we started "sketching."  Cool. I can draw well enough PLUS Jim is helping me.

And then we're figuring out how to calculate how much wood we need.  Cool. I am sweet at math.

And then...

Then...

And then I COULDN'T DO THE MATH!!!!!!!!!!

No, really. I couldn't do the math to figure out how much wood I would need.  I couldn't visualize the cuts in the wood and I couldn't even problem solve to figure out the math to help me figure out the other math!

OMG.

Thank goodness there's a former math teacher around and also a math intervention specialist and also some really awesome furniture makers because they helped me with the math.

But they also helped me realize that this is what's wrong with school.  I did learn this math.  I could ROCK THIS MATH on a standardized test.  But now, using this math in context, WHEN I ACTUALLY NEED IT and I can't do it.  I am horrified to admit and totally embarrassed.  I have a Masters' degree PLUS 29 credits AND I COULDN'T DO THE MATH.

And then I thanked God for putting me in this situation where I don't need to be embarrassed because I am learning with these people who are also learning.  AND FAILING IS OKAY.

This is exactly the message I need to take back to my students who HATE to read out loud in front of their peers:

Let's let it be okay to mess up.  Let's laugh when we make a mistake and try again the next time.  Let's use our peers for their talents and then shine in another area.  Let's make it okay to do stuff you're not good at it, solely for the purpose of getting better at it.  Let's take it easy and learn for fun, rather than learn for a test or a score.  Let's CHILL OUT and stop worrying.

Soulcraft Woodshop Cohort and my Fixed Mindset

In light of the interesting years I've been having (couldn't we all say that about every year??), I've been searching for something.

Yesterday, I may have found it.

But I could hear this come out of my mouth, "I'm a special ed teacher. Wait, I'm a special ed teacher who is currently being disguised by my district as a reading specialist."  And I may or may not have started to tear up a little. (Please, please self, do not cry in this wood shop.)

So, I joined this thing.  And as we all sat around, we pondered what to call this thing...

I think we settled on the Soulcraft Woodshop Cohort.

I joined a wood shop class?  Wood?  Shop?  Me?

In an attempt to push myself outside of my comfort zone, I have joined a wood shop class.

The great part is, it's a wood shop class, with a twist.  I'm hanging with other educators who believe that the education system is screwed up and want to find a way to fix it. And the first step is to join up and collaborate, right?  So, while we're building stuff and learning new skills, we're going to talk education.

Now, the people in this room appeared to be slightly more "meta" than me.  But I could see it. Everything in this wood shop was a metaphor for education.  Everything we are going to do resembles building, molding, shaping young minds.  And at the same time, our instructors, the Soulcraft guys (Peter and Jim) will be modeling how to work with 10 different people with 10 different ideas in a setting that resembles a Maker Space.  10 totally different people... A superintendent, some principals and assistant principals, a PhD candidate, a math teacher, a high school intervention specialist... and me?

Whew. By the time I got home yesterday, I was exhausted. That's a lot of thinking. That's a lot of thinking about thinking. This is not what I do in my free time with my friends...

... but maybe I will now.

We talked a little about fixed vs. growth mindset and I realized, oh crap, I'm working with a fixed mindset. Sometimes.  When it came to this wood shop, I was surely in a fixed mindset thinking "there is no way I am going to be able to do this."  I even admitted "I really usually only do things I know I am going to be good at." I really just told strangers that?

Lastly, Peter was telling us about the cuts and grades of wood. He was talking about joinery and wow, I was getting a little overwhelmed until he started talking about the natural "defects" of the wood and how we can use the defects to make beautiful design elements. 

Done. I'm sold.  I take my students who have these atypicalities and help them grow into something beautiful.

Metaphors complete.

What will the next six weeks bring?

Here's my first sketch. Guess what it is!

P.S. First round of thanks to Sean Wheeler,  Peter D., and all the people who got this thing going!

A Tough Year...

Alright, so, I already broke my own promise to blog on Monday mornings.  My plan was to use my new found planning time each week to blog about something meaningful.  I forgot that we were off of school for Presidents' Day on Monday, so I pushed it to Tuesday.  Then, we got a snow day!  A wondrous, glorious snow day!  Our 5th so far this year... but thankfully we aren't to "blizzard bags" or make up days yet.  If all goes correctly in Ohio, we'll just progress with the year as planned.  But I am really hoping the snow is done.

I have a strange feeling inside that God gave me these snow days for a great reason.  I'm having a tough year and try to go with the motto of "just get through it and make next year better."  Before I get the whole "pick your head up, do it for your students, be the change" argument, you don't know what kind of year I've had.

And unless I want to make the year worse, I'm not going to be necessarily blog about the details.

What I'm interested in is this:

How do you get through a tough year?

I've been trying to decrease my work load, focus on the good things in my life, meditate, become more mindful, celebrate small successes, remember I'm there for the kids, eat healthier, go to bed earlier, stress less over the work, etc., etc., etc.

It's helping, it is.

But I'm still struggling.

I need to find some inspiration, some way to make it through the days, a way to want to get out of bed in the morning...

I started looking around my house, my bedroom, my photo albums.  I tried remembering the years that were great, the great students we turned out, the wonderful parents who supported the program.

I couldn't seem to turn away from this picture.

I remember back then, I thought it was a challenging year.  I thought I was trying my best, I was stressed, but feeling successful.  If I had known then what I know now...

The day that is captured in the pictures is the day that the Cleveland Plain Dealer came to announce to my whole school that I was going to win a Crystal Apple.

I know what you're thinking... it's about the award. It's all about ME.  But it wasn't.  It was the fact that my students were there, even though it was an "after school staff meeting."  Their parents were there. My family was there.  And I learned that not just one parent nominated me, BUT THREE.  We called them "the big 3" back then, and I never imagined that I would learn so much from those three kids, and their parents.

It was a good day and a good year.

I was challenging kids.  My boss believed in what I was doing.  My team was behind me every single day.  The aides were like family to me.  The kids?  They were amazing.

We had finally gotten the program under our belts.  It was the third year in Room 5, our room for students with moderate-intensive special needs.  We were making new materials, assessing, working together.  The kids were incredible.

I had figured out what I believed in and it was to include our kids as much as possible.  Our team had the same philosophy, we had grown together...  I knew that it would be my uphill battle, but I was willing and happy to advocate for every program, material, field trip, and minute spent in an inclusive setting.

I told my principal that it was "my most difficult year" so far.  He told me that I said that every year...

In 2014, the kids are still amazing.  And that's what I need to focus on.  The kids.  The kids are incredible, they are making progress, they are learning to read, count coins, write complete sentences.  They are growing.

But still, I wonder how many years I can do this job...

How do you handle a tough year?

My Goals, in Retrospect...

This is the first time I am revisiting these goals and reflecting on them specifically since the school year ended...

So much has happened, and I haven't had much time to think about these specifics.

I never imagined that, at the end of this, my 10th year as a teacher, I would be packing up and shipping out.

After having been in the same building for the last 9 years, I am getting moved over to another elementary school in our district.  It's still bittersweet and I am still trying to reflect on the week I found out, and the events following it.

Instead, I should take some time to reflect on our school year and the learning of my students...

In the 2012-2013 school year, a relatively "easy" school year with only 4 students with moderate to intensive special needs turned into another tough year with 6 students with moderate to intensive special needs.  In November, a new third grader joined us, and in March, a new second grader.

We also added 1.5 additional special ed. aides to make our little family just that much larger- 6 students, 6 special ed. aides, and me. :)

Here were the goals I originally set for myself along with my progress and commentary in red. :)

Goal 1: By the end of the year, first and second graders will have created an e-portfolio in Weebly.com.
2 of 3 second graders completed this task and 2 of 2 first graders.  Unfortunately I did not get to this with one third grader and one second grader as they had other needs that took priority.
            A.  Second graders will create e-portfolios in the first week of September. Done.
            B.  First graders will create e-portfolios in the 2-3 week of September. Done.
            C.  Second graders will add to their e-portfolio weekly. We did this, yes.  The weekly entry was a spelling test.  However, more meaningful writing did not take place weekly as I had hoped.  Our writing progress was good, but slower than anticipated this year.
            D.  First graders will add to their e-portfolio every other week. This was tough.  One student added weekly with a spelling test, but the other was more sporadic.  Again, not as much writing progress as I would have liked, slow but steady.

Goal 1: Moderate Success. :)

Goal 2: During the school year, students will use iPads for a creation tasks at least 3 times each.  Yes!  I believe I accomplished this with my students.  One student used I Can Animate to make stop-motion videos with our Legos.  Next, we used the Felt Board app to create characters from the book Freckle Juice by Judy Blume.  Lastly, we worked on using the App Toontastic Jr. Shrek.  This was very cool.
           A. Try out Puppet Pals. We did not try Puppet Pals.
           B.  Try out I Can Animate. Yes!
           C. Find another great App for Creation for my students (Garage Band? Poplet? Type Drawing?
                Toontastic?) Yes!  Toontastic Jr. Shrek and Felt Board.



Goal 2: Success!!

Goal 3: During the school year, participate on school teams, as a valuable team member. Instead of being the leader of many teams, I got back this year to find several of "my committees" had been cut from the committee list anyway.  Somehow, I ended up on the Field Day committee and I surely think this was a success in 2013!  I also worked on the planning team for EdCampCLE 2013 and didn't take over. :)


Goal 3: Success!

Goal 4: Participate in the Global Read Aloud with Charlotte's Web. Yes!  We loved it although we are hoping for a shorter book in Fall of 2013.  There was A LOT of work to do to make additional visual cues for every chapter, every setting, and every character.  We also used the cartoon movie version after every reading each chapter to make sure we understood the plot.
           A. Complete at least 3 Skype or Facetime sessions. Rats!  We Skyped only once this year during the Global Read Aloud, but also Skyped one time during Right to Read Week.
           B. Collaborate in at least 2 other ways with other classes.  Because the book was so long, we struggled to collaborate with other students during this time.  The focus was on OUR comprehension....


Goal 4: Still a success in my book!

Goal 5:  In any one day, leave the building after NO MORE than 10 hours of work.  Success!  in 177ish student school days, I was successful at this in at least 75% of trials. :)  

Wait, does leaving work and going to a 3 hour class on Applied Behavior Analysis once a week count as "leaving?"

Reflections of This School Year

There were lots of things I did this school year that I LOVED!

Then, there were other things...

And it's important to reflect on what went well and what didn't go so well to be able to become better. A better teacher.  A better learner.  A better me.

First, I'll start by showing you this- My 2010-2011 School Year Goals. Yes, it's true, I sort of wrote an "IEP" for myself.  

I set goals for myself and hoped to accomplish them by the end of the school year.  I found myself opening this document, reading it, and closing it, opening, reading, and closing, etc., etc., etc. 

I found myself changing priorities over the school year. 

I found that, the only person who was accountable for this list, was me.  IS me.  

And the only person who can make me any better, or any worse, is me.

So, how did I do?

1. Increase parent/family/community communication and engagement

Well, let's see.  I did update our classroom blog page weekly and you can see it at http://staff.bbhcsd.org/kolism.  This was good, but way too easy.  I did not manage to print the Weekly Newsletter for the one family who does not have a computer.  Honestly, I did not believe they would be interested in the newsletter, and that was probably just irresponsible of me. 

I did manage to get a Swim Party together at my house and 10 of my current and former students along with their parents and siblings attended.  This was a great move and really helped parents to get to know each other.  It was also something that the kids remembered all year long and asked about for this summer.  

I also sent group emails to parents and maintained "Friday Folders" that went home weekly with all of the papers, handouts, and extras from the classroom.  This is the best way for us to do this with all of the other folders and books that go home every day from the other classrooms.

I did not manage to plan monthly outings and I did not have a monthly door decorator.  I also did not schedule any "mystery readers" nor did we manage to have third grade e-portfolios ready for "student-led parent teacher conferences."

On the this goal, I would this "Not Yet Mastered."


    2.  Integrate more technology.

Thankfully, we have the resources here, and I have the passion for this goal to be possible.  But did we do it? 

My first objective was to check into Weebly.com to set up some e-portfolios for my 3 third grade students.  Done!  We set them up, chose our backgrounds, learned how to manage text, paragraphs, photos, icons, and took our spelling tests here weekly.  We added some of our best work and lots of photos.  And we'll pass these on to our fourth grade teachers to see our work!

These 3 e-portfolios were going so well that we added our second graders as well.  I set up 2 more sites on Weebly.com for my 2 second grade students.  We will get to continue working on them next school year.

I set up our BoardMaker activity pads and got good use out of them for the 2 quarters of school... until we discovered, wrote a grant for, and received our iPads... 


We learned and relearned all of the computer vocabulary that we had worked on last year and know the parts of a computer and now, an iPad.

We were also able to integrate web sites for literacy such as Wordle, Glogster, and VoiceThread this year with all of our students, K-3, in Room 5.

We used the Flip Camera all year and the end of the year video was a success!


Goal 2 was definitely successful!


    3.  Integrate more functional skills.


This is a tricky one.  I always find it difficult to balance academic work, behavioral and social skills work, and functional skills (like hand washing, setting the table, pouring milk, becoming independent with daily tasks).  

There are only so many hours in the day.  And I STRONGLY believe that our kids with moderate/intensive special needs (or whatever you may call them), should be learning things that are "standards-based" just like all the other kids in the school.  They need to learn to read because they CAN read.  And what about addition, subtraction, telling time, counting coins, graphing, multiplication, etc.  But then, identifying feelings in yourself and others, sharing, turn-taking, self-calming, learning intrinsic motivation, making friends, sustaining play, playing cooperatively, etc., etc., etc. are all important too.  And then when do I teach setting the table, washing your hands, folding towels, sorting laundry by color, sorting silverware in the silverware tray, reading food labels, identifying safety signs, and all the other important stuff?


So, this year, I tried to find a better balance with some collaboration and help from the Speech and Language Pathologist too.  

Some of the functional skills that various students, or all 7 students, worked on were folding towels, setting the table, using calculators, telling time, using a computer, keyboarding, counting coins, passing food during holiday celebrations, taking turns, playing board games, playing outside games, frosting cupcakes, following recipes, identifying feelings in self and others, self-calming strategies, learning phone number and address, identifying emergencies, calling 911, and talking to police officers, firefighters, and paramedics.

I think we did well here, but would like to improve even more next year.  We are going to make our "Police Officers, Firefighters, Paramedics, and Emergencies" Unit even bigger and practice using a special phone from the Broadview Heights Fire Dept. to practice calling 911 in the event of an emergency.  This is a concern as our students get older and we want to begin helping to bridge the gap between emergency service personnel and kids with special needs.


    4.  Improve classroom structure and organization.


I only had a few objectives here and need to change them again for the next school year.  Our classroom has to change each year based on the needs of our students and changes year after year.  In an ideal world, we would get a bigger classroom.  We'd have various one to one teacher stations, independent stations, a play/leisure area, a gross motor area, a place for the OT, a place for the SLP to come in for therapy, a space for our computers, and more!  But, we work with what we have, so we'll need to make changes again.  This year, our room will have a "pirate ship" as a self-calming space for one of our incoming students.

    5.  Establish a better PLN to collaborate, contribute, LISTEN

Wow. What a year it has been for the "PLN" and "PLC" movement.  I didn't have to do much here other than read my twitter page, read blogs, write in my own blog, and listen to my own school district.  We are building PLCs for next year in our own district and thus, collaboration!  

Plus, #edchat and #spedchat whenever I can participate.

Plus, the Reform Symposium from last summer and the one coming up at the end of July.

Plus, my twitter friends, my blog readers, my favorite blog posters, those who comment and RT... 

This one was easy.  Mastered and Continuing.

So, in terms of "my own IEP," I think I did well.  

Another successful year.

Did you set goals for yourself this year?  Did you accomplish them?  Did you forget about them?  Did you have time to work on them?